With an Ass like a Rock Star....

With an ass like a rock star, I'm going to conquer the word. One small northern Midwest chunk at a time. And break quite a few hearts doing it.

I was in deperate need of new clothes. I would peek into my bare closet and stare in dismay at the worn and tired rags that shamefully hid there waiting to be bundled into a garbage bag for the "Dead Clothes Walking" trip out to the curb side garbage. Every morning I did this ritual, hoping to find a long lost designer outfit that perhalps I had over looked. More often than not, I settle for whatever I can find that is relatively clean, and a size or two away from what actually fits me. In otherwords, little boys baggy cargo jeans and a skateboard sweatshirt. I hate clothes shopping and would rather pull my own teeth than go into a mall to try on clothes. I am prone to just mail order them. So that's what I did. Except I blow my entire wardrobe budget on a single pair of jeans. Rock star jeans. Yeah, I spent more on these jeans than double my rent, in my salad days. But I don't care. With these jeans, no one can stop me. Or would want too.

With these jeans, I have already achieved great things. I have tamed wild animals. Ok, it was a squirrel. In a live trap. I have been awarded fabulous prizes. I did fill out the raffle ticket that won my son's mountain bike. I have been asulted by adoring public. Sure, it was a sale at IKEA., but the glimpse I caught of my hinney in the mirror, while I was there, was worth every penny.

If I wear these jeans, two times a week, for the next three years, as I plan, it will be worth all that interest accruing on my credit card. I did invest in a pair of to die for jeans, four years ago instead of paying my car payment, and every time one of the collection agents called, I just described the lift they gave me and they understood.

Not only do I owe these jeans to my self, but to the public at large. Set an example to all other women out there. Yup no more leaving cheek marks in the snow behind me when I walk. Make them ask themselves, "Is that her caboose or is she wearing a pack back?

I now am draggin a wagon with an ass like a porch. Got my junk in the trunk thanks to my rock star jeans. Step back J-lo.